Turns out the world is turning to shit faster than the Taco Bell grilled burrito I ate last week and let me tell you, it burns.
To show my good faith in humanity I am sharing this life saving and priceless piece of information with the world.
The Ultimate Zombie Arsenal
(p.s. I was going to write about post Global Warming/Apocalyptic survival but it's such an overplayed POS subject and Zombies are much cooler anyway amirite??)
List of things you need:
- Goggles - Potential contamination from zombie fluids? I don't think so.
- Turtle neck - The neck, they always go for the neck.
- Cigars - Glorious occasions call for cigars, you will have plenty.
- Aluminum baseball bat - Your primary skull bashing weapon.
- Flip top mittens with rubber grip - Don't be a hater, they're awesome.
- Spoon - Everybody knows you like spooning.
- Stainless steel pliers - Rotten tooth be gone!
- Compass - You can't read the stars when it's cloudy now can you? Smart ass.
- Rope - Indiana Jones had a rope, you need a rope.
- Fleshlight - Zombie punani just won't do.
- Jockstrap - The last thing you ever want to experience is a set of sharp teeth chewing at your tenders.
- Astroglide - Seriously, dude, try it. It's amazing.
- Machete - I'm sure you can find a creative use for this one.
- Knee pads - Ripped jeans belong in the 80's. Not in post apocalyptic warfare.
- Mossberg 500 - You probably think I chose this piece for horde clearing. Wrong. Once you're infected, you need a quick way out. This 12 gauge will then be your best friend.
- New balance 1520ET hiking shoes - You can't out run anyone with boots and these bad boys will do just fine.
Things that didn't quite make it:
- Firearms - Ammo is limited and heavy. Noob.
- Medical kit - lol band-aid.
- Chainsaw - Risk of jamming, rust and runs out of gas.
- Heavy backpack full of nothings - Nah.
- Maps - I use my instincts.
- Foods - Hunting > Stashing.
Now that you've learned valuable pieces of information, you can all thank me post-apocalypse by giving me your extra cigars and bottles of Astroglide.